An Introduction to the Art of Understanding
Active Listening – The art of reflecting and questioning based on what is being said
Focus on a memory from your past when you were very excited about something. In that excitement, how quickly were you thinking? Were the emotions easier to quantify and qualify in your mind than articulating the words to express them? Did you have trouble speaking the right words to describe your feelings?
This is an area where communication breakdowns often occur. Our ability to process information happens at an incredible rate compared to our ability to express it. Do you sometimes find yourself disagreeing with certain people? Do you catch yourself working through the products of emotion more than you are communicating about solutions?
If you notice these thoughts to be accurate, a look into digging deeper might help going forward!
Active Listening is a tool coaches use to help them focus on communication and reflection. It is also one of the most necessary tools for leaders, anyone in a client-focused industry, and relationships of all kinds. It involves being fully present in “The Now.”
Have you ever had one of those moments when a cashier thanks you for stopping by, and you respond with a resounding “you too” before walking away, fearing that your response was noticed? Your mind expected to hear, “have a nice day,” so you responded based on your expectation and not what was said. That autopilot response of assuming a statement is the opposite of active listening. In this scenario, there’s no more perceived harm done than a bit of embarrassment. In scenarios when dealing with co-workers, clients, friends, or family, however, the scars might start creating a tougher situation that could endanger forward progress for all parties. The benefits of active listening help not only build more confidence in communication but also help to improve the shift to a positive solution-driven mindset.
The key rules for active listening in all conversations are:
- Be Present in the Conversation – Distractions (looking at a watch, scrolling through your computer, tapping a foot or pen continuously, checking your phone) do not show the other person you are truly in the conversation. It shows that you’re tolerating a conversation rather than wanting to communicate.
- Allow Pause – The quicker you reply to a statement in a conversation, the more it shows disengagement to the speaker. Giving even a one to two-second pause to ensure the speaker has finished verbally expressing their thoughts will often help you get a clearer picture of the situation without assuming things are being said. Mastering this is a crucial tool to gain insight and strategy since those who want to fill in gaps of silence often mention more than their original intention.
- Reflect – Also partially referred to as mirroring or paraphrasing, reflection is a powerful tool that shows active engagement. The ability to reflect (paraphrase) something someone is saying helps them be able to hear their thoughts to help deepen their awareness. This enables you to align and allows the speaker to look for reasonable solutions or actions in tandem with you instead of arguing against you (this is also a robust tool in negotiation tactics if well-practiced).
Presence, Pause, and Reflection carry an extraordinary degree of benefits that, when used together, provide powerful results for all parties involved.
The next step to digging deeper into active listening requires the removal of barriers such as qualifiers. A qualifier is an added word or statement meant to limit or enhance meaning. While there are compelling ways to use qualifiers (particularly in fields such as law, marketing, or public relations), when it comes to active listening, you’ll want to remove or limit their presence as you navigate the conversation.
Take a look at these three unrelated statements to see what you notice about each:
- “Honestly, I just don’t agree. There’s no way he didn’t see my call. It’s impossible. He just doesn’t care and hasn’t called me back yet.”
- “I’m not sure if this brings value to you but I think she’d prefer moving the appointment to 11am. She told me she prefers to get virtual meetings done by 10am each day.”
- “That car that sped by was green. I know because as soon as I heard a noise in the parking lot, I ran to look out my window.”
Each statement seems to want to convince the receiver that something is factual. Try re-reading them but this time, remove each non-factual statement:
- “Honestly, I just don’t agree. There’s no way he didn’t see my call. It’s impossible. He just doesn’t care and hasn’t called me back yet.”
- “I’m not sure if this brings value to you but I think she’d prefer moving the appointment to 11am. She told me she prefers to get virtual meetings done by 10am each day.”
- “That car that sped by was green. I know because as soon as I heard a noise in the parking lot, I ran to look out my window.”
Each example effectively guides you in a very different way when the qualifiers are removed. In the first example, the only actual data is that a return call hasn’t yet happened. In the second, only data regarding the client’s preference was relevant; the opinions and actions were up to the listener to decide, not for the speaker to offer. The third statement shows that there was a noise loud enough to prompt attention from the speaker and doesn’t focus on potentially untrue information. When comparing, you can see the qualifiers dramatically changed the potential outcome of the conversations for the listener.
The art of internally removing qualifiers is one to practice continuously. Aside from improving your strength in communication and giving you more authority when speaking, it also helps clear your mind of other potentially misleading thoughts. When actively listening in conversation, focus on these two rules to assist in removing qualifiers:
- Listen for emotionally-driven categorizing statements. Emotions are essential to assess, but when communicating, they can be easily misunderstood or displace a potential solution. An emotionally-driven categorizing statement adds feeling to create value to a point (i.e., “this is ridiculous” or “you’d have to be crazy not to agree”). Make sure you listen to the objective information being given in conversation instead.
- Disconnect words or statements that attempt to credit or discredit a point. Words like “honestly” and comments like “it’s obvious I’m right” won’t help you evaluate facts but are only there to sway your thoughts. Whether the words enhance or diminish others in conversation, they are likely trying to persuade conclusions by evoking emotions.
As legal professionals, we run into many different conversations where active listening could change the course of a conversation. From listening to peers, mentors, bosses, or clients, our general goal should be communicating and aligning effectively. Active listening allows you to help the participants in the conversation feel connected and help maintain a level of objectivity to situations.
As you go about your day, practice the art of active listening with those around you. Start by allowing pause in between things being said to you and things you are saying as a result. As you continue to do this, start to objectively understand what is being said rather than what you perceive is being said. Open your mind to the potential that you don’t automatically know what the person will say and discover how to enhance the conversation or provide additional value. With time, conversations will trend to more definitive spaces, and clarity will be gained!
