Stopping the self-sabotage
Is your laundry waiting for you in a pile on the chair? Have you adapted to the broken appliance that’s wrapped in duct tape? Do you refuse to accept a more efficient way of doing things at work because “your way” yields the same results, and you’re comfortable with it? Chances are, you are dealing with some form of stubbornness. While this personality trait can have some perceived beneficial effects, including decisiveness, resilience, and a strong desire to persevere, it can also yield close-minded behavior, difficulty adapting, and strained personal and professional relationships. If you’ve ever encountered a time when you refused to resolve an argument because you let the fight take you over, it might be reasonable to examine how you are approaching your stubbornness. By finding the right motivators, you can harness the positive effects of overcoming stubbornness while mitigating its adverse deficiencies, leading to a more fulfilling life.
Stubbornness is an utter determination not to shift the attitude or position on something. At a surface level, it is a fixed mindset that does not want to waver from a self-imposed, idealized norm. It is often partnered with contempt, skepticism, and bitterness while depreciating the value of curiosity and ambition. It also centers around the idea of control.
As a first step toward determining your professional level of stubborn thinking, answer the questions below with either True or False (remember to consider the statements only from a professional lens):
- I believe my way of attacking an obstacle or project is always necessary.
- I often want to prove myself during disagreements.
- I tend to tune out when people are offering detailed perspectives in conversation.
- I prefer that people only offer their opinions when I solicit them.
- Compromise often means giving in to avoid additional difficulties and conversation.
- I resist change, including changing my opinion when new information is presented.
- During downtime, I replay conversations in my mind to consider ways I could have held my own.
- I generally struggle to admit I’m wrong in front of colleagues.
- I feel threatened when coworkers challenge my thoughts at work.
- I assume what the personalities, mindsets, and responses of people will be in professional settings.
Count the number of times you accepted a statement as predominantly true. Some of the statements may have prompted you to think, “It depends on the situation” or “not always” as a defense toward not answering “true.” That, in itself, is a signal of potential stubbornness. If you noted that most statements caused you to reflect and agree, your stubborn tendencies may be impacting your professional relationships more than you might think. If you had a relatively even mix of “true” and “false” responses, you might be stubborn only with those you deem “deserving,” meaning you focus on assumptions more than facts with them. If most of your answers did not agree with the statements, you could be more growth-oriented when surrounded by a positive support system in your main environments.
Now that you have practiced the above self-reflection, it’s necessary to dive into the pitfalls of the problem along with its solution. Aside from eroding trust, stubbornness can impact your decision-making skills just as much as your self-growth. Stubborn people are known to stifle innovation while not evolving their personal relationships. Conversations with peers tend to become more about people than about ideas. This causes you to lose your sense of self because you become more focused on their perceived lack of reasoning than on actions that will help your life improve. If you accept that you may have areas of fixed stubborn thinking, you can start to overcome them by reframing a thought that most people fear: Professional Vulnerability.
Professional Vulnerability is the idea that not knowing everything about a topic creates strength and wisdom. It opens doors to conversations that lead to growth and exploration. Even more profound – it generates questions that help you achieve stronger relationships, improved productivity, and more refined personal and professional development. Engaging in Professional Vulnerability requires surrounding yourself with professionals and those with similar mindsets. The crux of understanding when stubbornness can be a strength versus a weakness is finding the right balance between being professionally vulnerable with the right people and being confident that you are presenting your best in moments that require resilience. Professional Vulnerability should be practiced around coaches, mentors, and true friends who want to explore potential collaboratively.
One of the best ways to understand Professional Vulnerability is through a comparative lens to its counterpart, stubbornness. Take a look at the chart below and consider the times you fall into either of the two sides in your professional encounters (specifically, with coworkers):
| STUBBORNNESS | PROFESSIONAL VULNERABILITY |
|---|---|
| Resisting Feedback | Admitting You Are Unsure |
| Rejecting New Potential or Ideas | Owning Mistakes |
| Needing the Last Word | Active Listening |
| Refusing to Alter Strategy Regardless of Results | Accepting a Challenge to Your Title/Identity |
| Micromanagement | Accepting Feedback |
| Hiding Behind Authority | Creating a Roundtable to Share Reasoning/Ideas |
As the chart demonstrates, Professional Vulnerability bridges confidence and connection while removing the aspects that lead to ongoing negativity. It allows you to uncover the conversations that help you find answers to questions you didn’t know existed while calming your need to create constant control. To some extent, having this particular kind of vulnerability reduces overwhelm just as much as it fortifies your environment. Most notably, it encourages a new version of quick-term adaptive thinking that is often only deeply acquired through long-term hindsight.
Reducing the harmful effects of stubbornness while increasing your Professional Vulnerability takes commitment and practice. After an initial moment of self-reflection (similar to the true or false statements above), you should ask yourself the following questions:
- When do I protect my ego instead of opening my mind?
- How can I step into “I don’t know” as a strength for exploration?
- How can I improve my listening-to-understand while reducing my listening-to-defend?
The result of these questions allows your mind to begin the rewiring process and actively determine moments that could benefit from exploration. While some may feel that any vulnerability is an avenue of weakness, it’s more apparently an area of authentic strength when appropriately focused. Personal trainers need to see your baseline to improve your muscle mastery over time, dietitians need to understand your daily habits to help you improve your metabolism, and mentors need to listen to your thoughts to help strengthen your skills. All these are examples of moments when Professional Vulnerability creates the dialogue necessary for improved actions. They also show how overcoming stubbornness can lead to stronger, healthier, and happier lifestyles.
Ultimately, the desire to overcome stubborn thinking starts with the acceptance that it is slowing your personal and professional progress. Professional Vulnerability allows you to become a better leader, friend, and colleague when practiced with the proper mentors, advisors, and coaches. It creates a world where your culture stays focused on the foundations of achievement, and your mind remains open to ideas for positive improvement. Reminding yourself to apply Professional Vulnerability to your appropriate daily interactions will positively impact your relationships, life, and professional growth.
Imagine what could improve if you let go of the need to be right and instead focus on the ability to be even more authentic.
