201-880-7213

Coach's Corner

Managing Your Expectations with Others

Expectation a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future [regardless of reality]

Are you stuck in a rut? Do you feel stressed and out of balance? Do you feel under pressure or often let down by others? While alleviating these thoughts might require “eating the frog” and putting in some work, the first step is much simpler, yet most people skip right past it and focus on the difficulty rather than the solution.

We’ve all heard the saying, “The only person you can control is you.” It sometimes pops up in your life randomly. Whether through a wise friend, an experienced mentor, or a pragmatic voice of reason, the sage advice lends to understanding that if something in your life feels off, it’s up to you to catalyze the fix. The idea helps you focus less on future outcomes and more on current actions. It’s a form of self-evaluation that brings you into “the Now.” This self-evaluation is not a burden but a tool that empowers you to take control of your life. Once you can safely say you’re in this state of action, you need to examine certain kinds of perspective referred to as, “expectations.”

Expectations are self-created logic patterns that something will happen. They drive people to take specific actions because of the convictions they cause. Ruts, perceived lack of balance, feeling let down by others, and feeling intense pressure are often the result of consistently internalized expectations. These thought patterns frequently come with limiting beliefs, and part of their cure is recognizing and addressing them so you can remove their disheartening disempowerment.

Two of the most well-known expectation types are implicit and explicit. Implicit expectations are the unspoken ones – the ones we all accept to be true. Explicit expectations are the ones that are directly stated to others. Some implicit expectations such as, “you are expected to do your job to get paid at work” and “you are expected to maintain your home,” could lead to personal disconnects from success. Other implicit expectations like, “an employee should handle a high quantity of work to be considered good” or “the dishes should be cleaned by the person who didn’t cook” can lead to resentment, frustration, and a lack of satisfaction with common aspects of life.

The problem with implicit or explicit expectations is that they create potentially paralyzing conclusions, called internalized expectations, in your mind until you actively take the time to find resolve. Read through the examples mentioned above in the chart below. The left side of the chart will show you the convoluted internalized expectations, while the right side shows you the actual expectations. The center of the chart shows the statement of logic that creates the actual expectation. The further away from the statement of logic, the more likely the internalized expectation will be off-putting and limiting.

Internalized Expectation Statement of Logic True Expectation
You are expected to do your job to get paid at work. Doing your job well will lead to stronger rewards at work. Try to always do your best at work.
Making your bed each day is an expected chore. Keeping your home environment clean and organized will help you reduce personal stress. Try to keep things tidy at home.
An employee should handle a high quantity of work to be considered good. When the quality of work is strong, the skills to manage and prioritize naturally improve. Focus on quality (mastery) of work as opposed to quantity.
If you didn’t cook the food, you’re expected to chip in by cleaning the dishes. Working as a team with your loved ones leads to stronger relationships and greater balance at home. Communicate on the best ways to handle shared responsibilities with loved ones at home.

People often avoid discussing their actual expectations, fearing it may expose their vulnerability. However, by acknowledging and outwardly addressing these expectations, you can reclaim your power and take charge of your life. This empowerment from voicing your need for clarity can shatter the cycle of false internalized expectations and turn negative self-talk into a more positive dialogue, giving you a stronger sense of control. As seen in the chart above, it can help you reconnect with the actual expectation and the statement of logic to maintain it.

Everyone grapples with internalized expectations, from peers to bosses, friends, managers, and family. The key to overcoming these challenges is embracing a more honest internal dialogue. This means being open to conversations, which can significantly enhance your ability to manage these expectations and foster a sense of comfort and ease. The relief from these open conversations can be a game-changer in your relationships.

To examine your internal dialogue, ask yourself the following questions:

  1. Are there areas in your life where you assume others know what you need without stating it?
  2. What are the unspoken agreements you operate under?
  3. What do you expect of others because of these assumptions?
  4. Are your expectations of others fair or causing you to cast judgment?

Once you realize that unrealistic thoughts are shaping your reality, a shift in your thinking begins. This is the ‘now’ of your self-exploration, prompting immediate thoughts of improvement. Consider a proper approach and engage in a conversation with the person or group involved in your assumptions. This is crucial to establishing clarity. This involves clearly and directly expressing your thoughts and actively listening to their responses to ensure mutual understanding. Start the conversation by articulating your goal in one clear sentence and state each assumption individually until you achieve a stronger sense of straightforwardness.

Expectations can be dangerous to you and others when they are internalized. Remember that if you are internalizing expectations, odds are, those involved in them have their own that might also be building up. This can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and strained relationships. Not addressing these expectations can lead to a lack of trust, increased conflict, and misunderstanding. Clear communication is the required antidote to the limiting beliefs they cause, so before you take alternative measures for adjustment, examine what you’re thinking and why you’re thinking it. You owe it to yourself, your loved ones, your clients, and those around you to not allow false ideas to overtake your mindset. Plus, you’ll be thrilled with how much happier you’ll be – that alone is worth an immeasurable amount.

Get articles delivered to your inbox, once a month.

Subscribe Today!